Monday, August 27, 2012

Go to Hell Total Film

Total Film, your list of the 50 Most Disappointing Movies Of All-Time is terrible, and time did not begin in 1989.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (2008)
Star Wars: Episode One - The Phantom Menace (2001)
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
The Godfather Part 3 (1990)
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
The Hangover Part 2 (2011)
Sucker Punch (2011)
Superman Returns (2006)
The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Ocean's 12 (2004)
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Terminator Salvation (2009)
Green Lantern (2011)
Quantum Of Solace (2009)
Fantastic Four (2005)
The Golden Compass (2007)
Planet Of The Apes (2001)
Alien 3 (1992)
Batman and Robin (1997)
Troy (2004)
Kill Bill Part 2 (2004)
Iron Man 2 (2010)
Prometheus (2012)
Jersey Girl (2004)
Southland Tales (2006)
Godzilla (1998)
Miami Vice (2006)
Hulk (2003)
The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse (2005)
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
The Spirit (2008)
Catwoman (2004)
Vanilla Sky (2001)
Alice In Wonderland (2010)
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
Once Upon A Time In Mexico (2004)
Sex And The City 2 (2010)
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
Jennifer's Body (2009)
Public Enemies (2009)
Alexander (2004)
Ghostbusters 2 (1989)
The Avengers (1998)
The Lady In The Water (2006)
The Lovely Bones (2009)
Speed Racer (2008)
Shrek The Third (2007)
Congo (1995)
The Tourist (2010)

Learn about film if you're going to write about film, you boring weirdos. There's a thousand cool stories you could've told that haven't really been talked much about instead of spinning your wheels over the same "hyuck Catwoman sure was bad" nerd culture shit that's stifling film criticism.

How about when everyone thought Damnation Alley was going to be bigger than Star Wars?

Or David O. Selznick's too-big-to-work adaptation of A Farewell to Arms, or George Cukor's limp-dicked version of the bestselling erotic thriller Justine?

Or Mark of the Vampire, the 1935 reunion of Tod Browning and Bela Lugosi which was sort of an implied sequel to Dracula?

Or how about 1916's The Fall of a Nation, the crass sequel to Birth of a Nation which was basically the Episode 1 of its day, or Scarlett, the Timothy Dalton-led 1994 sequel to Gone with the Wind?

Or Heaven's Gate? For Christ's sake, Total Film, at least get Heaven's Gate. How about Marnie, the still-debated film that brought down Hitchcock?

And if you need to include Stanley Kubrick, 2001 was much more of an upset than Eyes Wide Shut. Man, people hated that movie in '68. (Also FYI if you live in the year 2012 and you're disappointed by Eyes Wide Shut you're too stupid to write about movies.)

Remember Righteous Kill, the first pairing of De Niro and Pacino since Godfather 2 and Heat?  Super Mario Bros.? Caddyshack 2? Rocky 5? Wild Wild goddamn West? You don't even need to leave your weird little self-imposed 20 year timeframe.

Grow up, Total Film. Cinema didn't start with Ghostbusters. You're a film journal, you should be pointing people to new film experiences, not locking them in a death spiral of superheroes and SNL comedies.


  1. Damn. And you barely even touched on how there are a couple of stone cold masterpieces inexplicably hanging out on that list.

  2. That's because my brain can't even process the presence of Kill Bill 2.

  3. I find this list rather comprehensible... and yes, i think Kill Bill 2 sometimes just gets boring. And the editors made it pretty clear that they're not in fact reflecting their own opinion, but the general response a movie got when it opened. I absolutely adore Eyes Wide Shut but I can totally understand many people's disappointment nevertheless.